The children’s librarian who didn’t want children changed her mind

A couple of years ago I wrote this. I said I would never change my mind – but I did. I didn’t suddenly wake up one morning and discover my maternal instinct – but I met someone who said he would like to have children one day. I scoffed and said he would have to chose and sooner rather than later. If he was going to leave me someday to find someone who could give him what he wanted he might as well do it now. He chose me, not his unborn imaginary children and all was well.

But the idea had festered – and I starting thinking that if I were to have children I’d want them with him. We’d make pretty good parents. He’s a feminist – even if he won’t wear the badges I buy him, he’s a nerd like me (gamer more than reader), he’s intelligent (sometimes too much), he keeps me grounded. And he always listens to me – which is pretty annoying when you’re a drama queen that likes to slam doors. If I ask him to not touch me and leave the room he does and doesn’t approach me until I come to him, if I threaten to leave he would never hold me back – not because he wants me to go but because he would never force me to do something I don’t want to do. It took me a long time to realise that was love and not indifference.

Not to say everything is perfect. Of course it isn’t, nothing is. But I slowly started to want something more. Something ours. The best of both of us I suppose.

It was no easy choice. I still dont feel sure that it is a good idea. That I can be a good parent. But I know he will be. I have no better explanation. I still don’t want children for the sake of children, I want children with him. Or child. We’re starting with one.

Dress and heart purse c/o Joanie Clothing (finally a novelty bag big enough for a book! and I can wear this dress for a few more months, yay! Most of my dresses are useless by now), shoes – old Modcloth, Librarian and Bookworm pin – Fable & Black (I want everything from that Etsy store).

I will still stand up for every woman no matter her age who doesn’t want children. I will never say: You will change your mind or You don’t know what you’re missing or any of that crap. A woman is quite capable of making her own decisions and I will never suggest I know her better than she knows herself.

But september 21 (you know, roughly) I will be a mother. And I’m still not sure. But the way I see it doubt is better than being over-confident. As long as I doubt I try. And I need to succeed. Because there are enough bad people in the world, enough sexists and racists, enough bullies and ignorants. We need to make some good ones. And I’m sure as hell gonna try.

18 thoughts on “The children’s librarian who didn’t want children changed her mind

  1. I’ve no words to express how happy this blog entry makes me. How much I can relate to your experience and how much I want that everything goes well to the three of you.
    I have a similar experience with my husband, and I can tell you that it’s going pretty well for us, so I’m sure it will go great for you.
    Of course, I’m sure you have lots of people to go to, but if you ever want to share or ask, you can talk to me.


  2. What a great positive parenting attitude you have. All that parents can do is try their very best and you sound like your attitude is more than positive. We all second guess ourselves but with a positive attitude brings about positive children. All the best.


  3. From the things I’ve seen you post here and the way you interact with your readers and insta followers I DO feel confident you will be a good parent! ❤ ❤

    And thank you so much for continuing to stand up for those of us who choose to stay child free.


  4. I’m so excited for you! Motherhood is a journey all on its own. I wish you the best of luck, & I really ( from the bottom of my heart) enjoy reading your blog posts & following you on Instagram. You’re somewhat of a fashion inspiration/guru to me! Thank you for being you, you definitely make this world a better place! 😍


  5. This is such a lovely post! The way you describe your relationship, and the unsure moments of pregnancy… I have two children and I still sometimes am unsure if I was made to be a mother. And, I always wanted kids. It’s funny how that thought continues even when you’ve made the decision to have a child (or in my case, two and eventually more). Congratulations, I hope your pregnancy goes well!


  6. Congrats, again! I was also pretty sure that I never wanted children. Then I started having doubts. I actually hoped that I would wake up one day and know what I wanted. You know, all maternal and stuff. That didn’t happen. Having a baby was a strategic decision for me. Not very romantic, I know. But it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Being a mom is freakin’ awesome!


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