A couple of years ago I wrote this. I said I would never change my mind – but I did. I didn’t suddenly wake up one morning and discover my maternal instinct – but I met someone who said he would like to have children one day. I scoffed and said he would have to chose and sooner rather than later. If he was going to leave me someday to find someone who could give him what he wanted he might as well do it now. He chose me, not his unborn imaginary children and all was well.
But the idea had festered – and I starting thinking that if I were to have children I’d want them with him. We’d make pretty good parents. He’s a feminist – even if he won’t wear the badges I buy him, he’s a nerd like me (gamer more than reader), he’s intelligent (sometimes too much), he keeps me grounded. And he always listens to me – which is pretty annoying when you’re a drama queen that likes to slam doors. If I ask him to not touch me and leave the room he does and doesn’t approach me until I come to him, if I threaten to leave he would never hold me back – not because he wants me to go but because he would never force me to do something I don’t want to do. It took me a long time to realise that was love and not indifference.
It was no easy choice. I still dont feel sure that it is a good idea. That I can be a good parent. But I know he will be. I have no better explanation. I still don’t want children for the sake of children, I want children with him. Or child. We’re starting with one.
Dress and heart purse c/o Joanie Clothing (finally a novelty bag big enough for a book! and I can wear this dress for a few more months, yay! Most of my dresses are useless by now), shoes – old Modcloth, Librarian and Bookworm pin – Fable & Black (I want everything from that Etsy store).
I will still stand up for every woman no matter her age who doesn’t want children. I will never say: You will change your mind or You don’t know what you’re missing or any of that crap. A woman is quite capable of making her own decisions and I will never suggest I know her better than she knows herself.
But september 21 (you know, roughly) I will be a mother. And I’m still not sure. But the way I see it doubt is better than being over-confident. As long as I doubt I try. And I need to succeed. Because there are enough bad people in the world, enough sexists and racists, enough bullies and ignorants. We need to make some good ones. And I’m sure as hell gonna try.