I think a lot of you look at me and think I’m really confident and strong. Truth? No more than you.
Hair colour – Midnight Blue from La Riche
I have so many issues. I hate most of my body, from my fat upper arms to my too wide and floppy thighs to my scarred and deformed feet.
I was bullied for so many years that I still get scared when I hear someone walk up behind me because they might hit me or humiliate me some other way. Obviously that never happens anymore.
I get insanely jealous because I see no reason anyone would want to be with me and not someone skinnier, prettier or nicer.
I have a weird phobia about talking on the phone (not kidding, increased heart rate, cotton mouth. I absolutely hate it when I have to talk to someone on the phone at work which is unavoidable).
I still get rage fits from nowhere and mind numbing depressions where all I can do is to lie in bed and hope to die. I never do.
So am I just faking it? Am I pretending to be someone I’m not?
Absolutely! You know why?
Time Lord Fairy Tales from where you buy books
It’s working! Instagram and therefore you guys and the community revolving around retro/quirky fashion blogging/instagramming have done more for me than therapists ever did.
Ears and shoes – H&M
I’m not saying you can think or imagine your way out of real mental trauma btw. You can’t think your way out of depression, trust me. That takes more and in a lot of cases it takes medication because it’s not just trauma, its chemical imbalances.
But I believe you can to some extent, fake it till you make it. You can start to feel beautiful and loved. Accepted. But it takes a long time. I was told repeatedly from the age 8 to 15 that I was ugly, worthless, different, unacceptable. That my family was weird, that I was too smart (as if that’s a thing?) and I tried. I dumbed down, dressed like everyone else, tried to become an acceptable human being. But I always failed. I am this person and this broken, strange, angry, smart girl with the weird mind kept popping to the surface. And finally I don’t care anymore. This is me and I am an acceptable human being.
And so are you.
Oh and a little tip to my American readers: Modcloth is stocking some Eejewellery!