My tits are gonna rot off

Saturday

I’d like some credit for the fact that the first thing that entered my mind when I found a lump in my breast was a Marla Singer-quote. The next was: Holy fuck, I’m going to die and I am not okay with that.

Honestly I thought I would be. Not thrilled or overjoyed but solemn. Heroic. Instead I cried for 24 hours, drank most of a bottle of wine and ate two massive steaks (no veggies) because fuck the environment if I’m going to die anyway. The last co2 I’ll emit will be my rotting corpse.

(Let me just say, that I don’t believe in God or heaven. When you die, you die and rot and that I’m okay with. I’m not too fond of people here. Give me some peace when I die, please.)

Anyway, I found it Saturday morning so I had a whole weekend in front of me, wondering, planning. Crying my eyes out. That was fun. Kinda cut into my reading time which was annoying.

Monday

I got an appointment Tuesday. By this time my breast was very sore and I had no idea if it was the horrible infected cells trying to murder me or because I kept poking at it. Because yeah I totally did. I also contemplated names for it. Voldemole (although it wasn’t skin cancer). Darth Cancer (I know, not too creative. Give me a break, I was dying). The Green Goblump.

If I wasn’t going to die, I might loose my breasts. My hair. And I really want to tell you that these superficial prospects didn’t faze me. That my worth and self imagine as a woman wouldn’t change. But dear reader, I’d be lying. My boobs aren’t big but they are there. My hair isn’t great but it’s there. I kinda like all of that where it is.

Tuesday

Tuesday came along, I went to work, got a xmas present (a gift certificate to a bookstore and I immidiately converted it into a book) and finally I was on the bus going to my doctor. For the first time I might add. I’d just moved so I had to pick a new doctor. Her practice was in a regular appartment building and pretty shabby looking. The doctor herself was a tall, skinny woman with an accent I first pegged as Eastern European – later I read on her website she had studied in Austria, so I guess I’m pretty bad at placing accents.

And she just sat there looking at me silently while I introduced myself and stuttered through what she already knew as I had given the information when I booked the appointment. It wasn’t until I said: Well, I don’t know what it is and my voice cracked, she moved. She put on gloves and asked me to removed my clothes. And she couldn’t find it at first. And I can assure you it wasn’t hard to find. She said I could put my clothes back on and started typing.

My fears aside I really had expected her to say: It’s just an infection of a milk gland or something. You’ll be fine. You’re just being hypocondric. You’re 31 years old, of course you don’t have breast cancer.

But she didn’t. She said I needed a mammogram.

I shook her hand and and said thank you.

I took my coat and left.

Outside I crumbled on the curb, large silent tears streaming down my face wetting my scarf.

After a few minutes I picked myself up and went to catch my bus. The driver was kind enough not to mention how dishelvelled I looked. Or maybe he didn’t care.

I spent most of the night sobbing, screaming silently into my pillow and throwing things. I had no one to soothe me, to tell me it would be alright. That it wasn’t a death sentence, just a precaution.

Wednesday

The next day I went to work. Had I been at my old job I probably would have called in sick but I have just started a new library. I’ve barely been there two weeks. First impressions, you know. And I pushed it out of my mind. I smiled, I joked, I helped the patrons. But every time I was alone the seven mile stare returned and I had to pinch myself not to tear up.

I spend my lunch break trying to make an appointment – we have a lovely health system, I might add but a lot of it DIY. I called 3 cliniques before I was told, that when there was a cancer threat (a lump) you have to go to the hospital. The secretary said I should call my doctor. I hung up without saying goodbye or thank you, but because I was mad or trying to be rude, but the silent, maddening tears had returned and I was in no condition to talk. I sent my doctor an email instead of calling.

Thursday

I have been calm for a while now. Whatever happens happens.

Friday

My doctor hasn’t answered my mail yet. For a second I thought the lump was gone but it was just because it wasn’t as sore anymore. It still hurts when I poke it. So obviously I do that a lot.

Saturday

It’s been a week. Nothing has been solved but then I’m not dead either.

Monday

I destroyed my phone (by accident, not in a fit of rage) and my doctor responded – so a productive day. I will be contacted by the hospital to get x-rayed. Darth Cancer seems to be dimishing so behaps it just was an infection. It’s also not as sore. I keep poking it for good measure though. It will be both embarressing and a relief if it dissapears on its own. Embarressing because I made such a big deal about it. But what was I supposed to do? Just wait a month and see if it went away? A month could probably mean a lot if it was cancer. What do I know? It’s really bad timing to find weird growths in your body around the holidays. Everything is closed. Lazy bastards.

Christmas

I was drunk a lot. Not gonna lie. I’m glad I didn’t go home. With the prospect of possibly dying or worse loosing my tits and hair I really can’t deal with meeting my moms new boyfriend. I’m not sure I’m ever going to want to deal with that actually. Given her history he’s a deadbeat fuck-up. Not that I’m judging. Just leave me out of it. I don’t like new people. And obviously I’m kinda vicious to be around right now

But Christmas Eve was good though. I built a LEGO AT-AT and watched Doctor Who and drank wine – because I’m a mature adult, shut up.

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I ate a lot of gravy. I guess, you’re supposed to eat broccoli and shit if you have cancer but I can’t think of a better reason to not give a fuck what you eat or drink. If I’m going to die I’m sure as hell not going on a stomach full of steamed vegetables – well, some maybe. If they are covered in gravy.

New Years

At least I didn’t die in 2015. Also I was drunk and ate a lot of bread. And wore a pretty dress. Yeah, that about covers it, I think.

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2016

It’s gone. Whatever we decided on calling it, it’s gone. I cancelled the scan today. I have like two meetings that day anyway, so it’s not like I would have had time. And it seemed silly to reschedule. Spending a lot of money on nothing.

I don’t know if I overreacted. Maybe. Okay, I probably absolutely did. I’ve balanced on the edge of wanting to die my whole life. Not always as a blatant wish to kill myself but as a static. If I died it would be okay. At least now I know it wouldn’t be okay. Not in the least. These…three weeks? It’s only been three weeks. They’ve been the scariest in my life. I don’t want to die. I’m not done here just yet. Books to read you know. Movies to watch.

I never told my family so I guess now I’ll find out if they read my blog 😉

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Now I’m not going to ask you to donate to cancer research or anything like that. All I’ll say is, if you did this or know someone who did – either beat it or died from it – I salute you. That is some scary shit and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you never have to again. I hope I don’t.

Happy New Year,

Kathrine

15 thoughts on “My tits are gonna rot off

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience. It was terrifying to read. You were so very honest about how you were dealing with a possible cancer scare. I have gone through something similar and earnestly hope never to go through it again. I know many go through this, but it still chills me to the bone every time I read or learn of another person’s experience.

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  2. So glad you’re okay. We do react when we find a lump – its only human nature. But 9 times out of 10 they’re benign. I suffer from lumps on a yearly basis – they’re always cysts but ya never know, one day they might not be! I thought I wouldn’t be scared to drop off this mortal coil either but guess what! I’m not ready either. Just keep an eye open for any changes and contact your doctor if you’re worried – no matter how unfriendly she is 😄
    Keep healthy Kat xx

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  3. I feel you here. Two years and a half ago I experienced exactly the same panic when boyfriend discovered a lump. It happened to be just mamal gland a bit infected and went back to normal by itself. Jeez, it scared the shit out of me.
    I stopped complaining about little silly things for the rest of the year when I learnt I was ok.

    I am very sorry you had to experience this during the holiday period (that really sucks!) but I am very happy everything was fine at the end. ♥

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    • I hope you’re back to complaining about things 😉 Just because there are bigger problems doesn’t mean the little things can’t be important too. No, but I get what you mean though 🙂

      Thank you!
      Xoxo

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  4. I have totally been there! When I was 20 I found a lump in my breast. Luckily the tests came back saying it was benign but itbwas pretty scary until then! I’m glad you are okay!

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    • You too! It’s amazing how many have been through this. It definitely made me feel better about the fear and the panic you feel, that it’s not just me.
      Xoxo

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  5. Oh honey, how awful!!!! I found a lump in my breast on the eve of Christmas day 3 years ago. I was just going to bed and I suddenly felt it- it was huge and very obvious. Luckily I had my husband there- he felt it for me and said, yes, he could feel it obviously. I sobbed in his arms. Boxing day, everything was shut. Finally, on the morning of the 27th, my stepmum (who is Doctor’s receptionist and dispensary manager) was off to work, I told her about it and asked if there was any way I could get an appointment. She managed to get me one. The doctor said that she could feel it but because I was on my period, I needed to go back to my own doctor after it. When I went back a week or so later (panicked like you!) it was still there and so she sent me for a scan. It was in 2 weeks. Those 3 weeks, I went through real terror. It wasn’t until the night before that I finally told someone other than my husband and stepmum (didn’t even tell my dad) and I told some friends at a church prayer group who then prayed for me (I know you don’t believe etc, but it’s part of my story, so I’ll say it anyway). The next day, when I went to my appointment it had vanished- just like yours! They could see where it had been and sucked out a bit of excess liquid- it was a cyst of some sort. I was so relieved so I really, really sympathise, it was 3 weeks of hell!
    That said, I discovered a large painful lump in my neck 2 days ago- trying not to freak out, hoping it is just a gland- am sure it’s just a gland…

    Hugs to you and thanks for sharing!

    xxx

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  6. this has happened to me before. i went to the doctor and it turned out to just be a cyst (a lot of women get them around their period). it was painful and sometimes warm to the touch, and he prescribed an anti-inflammatory to help it go down. in any case, glad to hear that it went away for you. ❤

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