The Evolution of a Relationship

In the beginning there was light.

There always is. You are happy, you are nervous (in a good way), you can’t imagine ever fighting. Perhaps you even settle for being someone you’re not. Someone lighter, happier, more carefree. Perhaps you even believe this person to be you. Perhaps you know you can’t be broken and messed up in this. But you still are. And the illusion does help. You heal somewhat.
But eventually reality takes its toll.

Everyday life begins. You move in together. You do all the things society tells you to do. The laundry gets mixed up, dishes and meal planning must be done.

The fighting begins. The mundane things that never should have mattered starts to matter. The inequality in the relationship starts to become clear to you. Small things. The feeling that your feelings and wants never mattered as much as the other persons. Or that the person just didn’t care enough to make it matter. Or perhaps he did but if it didn’t show, isn’t it the same thing?

Love is a fickle little thing. And it can disappear. I don’t know if I didn’t work hard enough at it. A part of me believes it goes south the second you start arguing about laundry and shit like that. I don’t want that life. I thought I needed that life – the order, the normality – but I can’t live like that. I don’t want polite family dinners, polite conversations and polite pecks on the cheek. Maybe I don’t believe love should be hard work. I don’t believe love should be boring. Perhaps forever isn’t for everybody. Perhaps people like me must settle for a while.

I want chaos, madness and passion. I want someone who can’t keep his hands of me. Who looks at me like there is no one else in the world that matters – who maybe even believes no one else in the world matters. I want someone who fights back when I’m unreasonable and not just writes me off as hysterical and mad. I want someone who sees past my brokenness and sees me enough to ask me what’s really wrong – that recognizes the hysteria as anxiety and panic even when I oyster up and can’t talk about it.

That might be a lot to ask. I don’t know if that’s something you leave behind in the head over heels Romeo & Juliet/Twilight teen romances. Perhaps I left myself there 16 years ago. Perhaps I want something that’s long lost to me.

But then I’d rather have nothing. Settling isn’t in my nature. Being alone is and I’m rather looking forward to that to be honest. To have a home full of books, dresses, Funko Pops and nerdy shit and no one to judge me for it. And in the end I think this will make me More Happy than Not…


 See what I did there? Seriously, read this book. It will rip your heart out, stomp on it and you will like it.



16 thoughts on “The Evolution of a Relationship

  1. Never settle, no good can come of it. The right man will truly love you just the way you are. It’s good you are also happy by yourself that helps to not settle! !!


  2. I found you on Instagram ages ago, and have followed you ever since. I’m currently doing my PhD (its a bit hell-ish) but your posts always give me a little spark of joy.
    Never settle. The day you settle is the day you lose your true potential. You want the extraordinary, and that is harder to find than the ordinary.
    xx S.


  3. Girl, you got this. Keep your chin up. You’re smart and know what you want – that’s what’s important. Never settle and never keep quiet if something isn’t right. I learned that the hard way myself. You gotta speak up for yourself and if it isn’t well received (if received at all!), it’s not right for you! xoxo


  4. “Settling isn’t in my nature…. To have a home full of books, dresses, Funko Pops and nerdy shit and no one to judge me for it.” YES. That right there, yes.

    The only thing I hugely resent about being single is that it’s very difficult to be fully independent (such as have your own place) unless you’re in a well paid job as the world seems to be set up for a two person wage. That makes me a bit sad 😦


    • Well, that’s true to some extent I suppose. But people with more financial sense than me would have had some savings which would have helped. A permanent job would have allowed me to buy a small flat alone. So basically I just have rotten timing more than anything.


  5. I want all that and although I’ve settled for less than less for a period I’m always aware I’m good being on my own. So I can wait for what I want. Although it might if I went out and met people more often. I might sound a little Twilight/Mills and Boon now but the only thing that worries me is the older I get the less time we’d have together….or maybe that’s just morbid me!


  6. I hear this so deeply. You deserve the things you want, we all do. When the dust settles it’s easier but until then, and after then, life happens. We can’t fault anyone for that because life is wonderful that way. I have a home full of hardbound books, Funko Pop toys, and new beginnings too! We’re stronger than our so-so relationships and we deserve Storybook magic! ?


  7. Well written! It’s hard.Relationships are hard but I hope you will be happy with the adventures that will come your way!
    P.S. Amy Pond, Time of the Angels! Please link on Tuesday! I did the same outfit here at Time of the angels I even managed to fake the red hair! Ha. What are you thinking of Who so far?


  8. You’ll come out stronger for it, and a much better person. Two years ago my four year relationship broke down and once I got over the emotional trauma of realising I was alone and that was OK I got to a better place, and now im in an amazing place.

    “You is kind, You is smart, You is important.”

    Congrats on finding the new roommates, hope this next stage is amazing and exciting, as well as a little bit scary.

    Emily x


  9. I am just catching up on your blog – I haven’t read it for so long.
    Then I came across this one. Thank you. My friends and family keep telling me it’s time I settled. Don’t I want my own family?! No. I want dogs, books, all day breakfast and wine. Why is it that I am about to turn 30, so suddenly I should want something less than perfect just because it’s comfortable?
    Thank you for making me realise I am not the only one, and at least one person on the other side of the world (I am in Australia) feels the same way!
    Best wishes for the new an exciting time in your life (even though I am a few months behind!)


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