Drunk Book Reviews #1.1 (part 2 – not so drunk anymore) – Twilight – The Sexy Vampire Saga #3

Okay I am ready again. Not drunk though – although slightly hungover. Which is unfortunate. Reading this with a buzz was a lot more fun but I might be going down a slippery slope drinking so many night in a row… The very first review can be found here and part 1 of this one here

So her putting herself at risk thing is to hear his voice in her head. I had forgotten it was that stupid.Omg, Jake and Bella are a match made in awkward heaven. “Do you REALLY want to hang out with me? Like really really?” Shut up.

What’s with the cooking?! I like Charlie but what the fuck? You are using your 18 year old daughter as a house keeper. At least in this book we’re not being told every single meal she makes though.

Ok, could you stop being a bitch about Jess? You fucked up (although I’m still not sure what that was about) She has every right to be mad. Stop pinning the blame on her.

I’m Team Jacob. Definitely Team Jacob. But that’s easy when Edward is such an idiot.

Oh that’s right! Wolf Boy is just a Boy at the moment.

Getting all protective over Jacob, are we, Bella? Yeah I’m not really getting the she wolf vibe from you though. More “I don’t want my play thing to break”.

Why is everyone falling in love with her? I don’t get it.

If I fell down as much as her I’d stay clear of bikes.

This magical voice thing is ridiculous.

But hey, it must be somewhat nice to be able to bleed and no one wants to eat you.

She can’t be alone. She probably doesn’t even love Edward. Or Jacob for that matter. She just can’t be alone. Pathetic.

Urgh. You’re just using him. You’re not a nice person, Bella. You’re just not.

What’s with these people and movies? I’ve never seen a film that made me I’ll.

Well his eyes are open. He knows what he’s getting into so you can’t really blame her for leading him on. Unfortunately. I’d like to.

I think Wolf Boy is changing.

By Wednesday I wasn’t sure I was going to live till Saturday. Oh really? Now you missing Jake is killing you? Urgh. Ffs you’re annoying.

Don’t go into the woods, Bella.

Hey! I think I’ll go into the woods!

Ffs, Bella!

Embry. I can’t read the name as anything but embryo.

I have a feeling I’m supposed to be heartbroken by this scene. I don’t really care though.

I’m a little embarrassed about reading this in public. I’d feel less uncomfortable reading porn. Not 50 shades though! That would be worse.

So Wolf Boy is Wolf Boy now. Good. Good. At least something is happening now.

My, everyone really just are extras in the Bella Swan show, huh.

How did anyone like her reading this? How did anyone identify with her and avoid hating themselves?

I’m watching Twilight now. 

How bad is his makeup?! But Kristen really does get Bella down. Good for you. Too bad Bella’s such an annoying creature.

Urgh, New Moon is even worse. But I like Jacob. And I don’t want to objectify anyone but I don’t really mind the lack of shirts in this movie. Also I still find it utterly hilarious. I think I’ll go cut my hair. Yes, that seems like a sound decision.

Okay, where are we now? Still moping. Great! My hair is all crooked now. Job well done! Ish.

Well. Back to the god forsaken book. Page 403.

This could easily have been 200 pages long and held the same story. This is just excessive.

I wish she’d written Alice’s story instead. Or maybe not. She’d probably have ruined it with her tedious love stories and awful writing.

I just have nothing to say anymore. It’s just stupid and boring.

Did they think I would let anything happen to Jacob?
Ehm. What would you do? Beat up the vampire?

Oh yeah. A Coke. That’ll keep you awake. God this is so safe! No sex, no alcohol. Just killing. And who can that offend?

Okay about the kissing. How? If he’s a freaking marble statue…how?!
That would be like being bumped into by the David statue.

Wow, she’s dense.

That moon allegory is horrible.

Okay. Epiphany. That only took 528 fucking pages. Good lord, Bella. And then just like that? 528 pages and in 3 lines you just ‘get it’. Great writing, Meyer. Jeez.

“I’m not going to give you more ultimatums tonight – or I guess it’s this morning.”
What, you were too lazy to correct your mistake, Meyer?

You’re a bitch to your dad, Bella.


“What had I done to deserve this?”
Well let’s see….

Okay so that was a traumatic experience. I’m so done with this series. I cannot read another line of Stephenie Meyer. Until next time I suffer momentary brain damage and decide on another drunk book review 😉




2 thoughts on “Drunk Book Reviews #1.1 (part 2 – not so drunk anymore) – Twilight – The Sexy Vampire Saga #3

  1. Ha, that was funny! I’ve not read them and I’m not planning to! Have you read any Monsieur Pamplemousse books at all? I’m really enjoying the one I found in Barter Books but I’m a sucker for a Whodunnit!x
    P.S. Where do you buy your ‘Closet’ dresses from? I’m very sad as the shop I buy mine from is closing down which is a shame as they only cost £15 each mostly so wondering what to do for my Closet fix when it goes! I did buy a nice grey one with flowers on last week!x


  2. I read them at a time I was really depressed and that’s the only reason I can think of of why I liked them at the time. My head was in a blackhole of despair. I have re-read hem since after my friend borrowed them and literally threw them at me complaining that Bella hadn’t died, and they are awful! The White Rabbit ones might be in the same vein but like I said on instagram, they are sooo much better 🙂 Good luck reading the last one 😉


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