So a while back I live-‘tweeted’ my reading of Twilight and not only was it very well received, it was funny as fuck to write. And since I’m not really in a position to fashion blog at the moment being homeless and all – well I wouldn’t deprive you all of my wit 😉
But I couldn’t help thinking this could be made more amusing…enter red wine. So tadadadaa…welcome to my very first Drunk Book Review.
Now I did cheat and start the book on the train so for the first comments I was sober. When I got ‘home’ I made some dinner (I’m very inventive these days, so it was cheese and tomatoes), poured a glass of wine (all over the book as well. Well done) and then realized that my foster cats had thrown up all over the place. It’s like they knew… So after cleaning that up…
We were good to go.
New Moon – as interpreted by sober to drunker Kathrine
Romeo & Juliet. Really, Stephenie?
Yeah, I got it. It’s not your Nan. It’s you. What am I, an idiot?
WHAT a surprise it was you, Bella! Didn’t see that coming.
Wrinkles in my ivory skin? Urgh.
Eyes with bruise-like shadows underneath? What does that even mean? You can’t just write enigmatic shit and call it description. Oh wait. Apparently you can.
Oh Alice. I like you. Don’t put up with Bella’s bull shit. God, she’s annoying.
Stock market! That’s where they get their money. How convenient. And very subtly explained. *cough*
The whole “there was boundaries for our psychical contact to keep me alive” makes me sick to my stomach. Female sexual aggression. Bad! Dangerous! Must be married first! *barfs*
(and here comes the wine – good thing librarians don’t pay fines because it’s now red wine spotted. Don’t tell anyone – she said and put it on the world wide interwebz)
Is it just me or is she an ungrateful brat? I’d be over the moon to get a camera for my birthday. I know, I know, all she wants are fangs, and I know she couldn’t give two fucks about her dad (with her wanting to die and become a vampire and leave him forever for a dude she’s known 6 months) but still.
Oh Jasper. I actually missed you. God, he’s so hot. (In the movies, I have seen those)
Holy crap, that was one dramatic paper cut. I actually LOL’ed. Was I supposed to? Probably not. Meyer, you joker you.
Good lord, Bella, we’re back at your complete lack of self preservation. A house full of vampires and you go cut yourself.
Okay okay, they don’t breathe unless they want to appear human. Then how the fuck do they smell blood? And if they just have to not breathe not to smell…then WHY DON’T THEY JUST DO THAT?
Uh here comes the God brigade. Carlisle you disappoint me.
Okay, can we talk about Bellas bleeding makes her shameful and like she’s a bother? I’m not saying period…I’m just saying FUCK making women feel shameful for shit.
And the being in her room while she sleeps…honestly. That’s creepy.
Aaand here we go again. Edward sets the boundaries for what’s appropriate.
Why is he acting like this? Why is he being such a dick!?
YOU’RE AN ARSE, CULLEN!
Developed pictures. How oldfashioned… It’s from 2006. Developed pictures? We did that 10 years ago still?
And he’s leaving. YOU’RE AN ARSE, CULLEN! I’M GLAD YOU DIED IN THE TRI-WIZARD TOURNAMENT! Oh no. No I take that back! I’m sorry! *sobs* See what you’re turning me into, Meyer?!
As long as it was best for you. Well, Father always knows best, right?!
Well, actually for a girl who has spent so much time telling him how uninteresting you are, you sure are surprised he finally realized that, eh? (And of course we ALL know he’s faking it. All except Bella)
Okay, he’s actually quite convincing. I’ll give you this one, Bella. It’s all on him being an arse.
And there it was. The title explanation. I’m on page 74. Is the next 500 pages going to be about her being (more) miserable? Excellent! Can’t wait *groans*
God, he makes me furious. I get you, Bella. You’re a mindless moron but right now I fucking got your back!
Okay, I can actually appreciate (and kinda like) the 4 (3?) months missing. I get that too. Bella, I know heart break. I’ll let you have that in peace.
Oh honey, you’re waiting. You’re SO waiting. When did I get such sympathy with Bella? Can we go back to her being an idiot, please?
Aand I’m back to disliking you, Bella. You are using this girl, who thought she was your friend, and who you dumped liked a sack of unwanted bricks (why would you want bricks? I don’t know either) and now you are using her friendliness. Honestly, Bella, that’s a shitty thing to do.
‘I’m getting popcorn’ – aaand we’re back to you being a bitch. Who leaves during the movie?! And who doesn’t get popcorn first thing?!
You weren’t the heroine anymore? But were you ever, Bella?
I didn’t get that bar scene at all? The fuck?
I also don’t get why you’re eating at McDonalds by your own free will?
She worries at night that her memories are slipping away because of something YOU said Edward, you complete arse. I get it. Out of harms way. But making her doubt herself? YOU COMPLETE ARSE!
I’d forgotten her by the time I was inside. I’m sorry, I’m not a people person but that’s fucking cold!
Okay. You moved on. Okay. Let’s go. Page 120. Shit, this is going to be long….
Post – Edward – Lifeless – whatever it was (I’ve now downloaded the soundtrack. The wine is working)
And actually I, since I watched the movies, I kinda cringe at the soundtrack…because it’s pretty good.
Okay, so the theme now is zombie vs. vampire?
A motorcycle? Can you drive it, Bella? Because it’s not like driving a car.
This is going to take sooo long! Can I just watch the movie??
Cheerful Bella is very unsettling btw.
Jacob was a gift from the gods. Yes, he was very decent to look at and asked no questions. What else would a girl need?
You have to go cook dinner for Charlie? What fucking martyr bullshit! He cooked his own dinner for years. He’s worried sick about you. He’s hardly going to be mad about you having a freaking life!
God, Jacobs friends are so happy for him…little do they know…
Okay, and even if you didn’t know this was going to be a million books would you honestly believe Edward wasn’t coming back?? NO! Not unless you were a moron. (I do apologize, but it is blatantly obvious)
So…everything seems better for her. She could be happy. As happy as Bella could ever be. She just seems right miserable to me.
“I was just impressed that he could tell what they were supposed to be”. Don’t make yourself dumber than you have to, sweetie. Recognizing something hardly makes you a fucking a genius and it doesn’t make you an idiot.
This whole quote about a girl with now short hair that ends with: ‘For all I know she’d turned into a nice person’. Unlike you, Bella. We all know niceness needs a hair sacrifice. (Wtf?)
Her personality hadn’t changed as much as her hair… Maybe not. But hey, Miss fucking Congeniality, you’re still the same cold ass bitch so let’s stop throwing rocks.
I had to give up for now…
The annoyance is strong with this one.